Page 15 - University of Oregon Parent and Family Guide

The Roundabout Approach
Our college students don’t appreciate us snooping into their social lives, especially regarding relationships. My oldest son once told me flat out that when and if there was an important development in this area he’d let me know. But I was rarely patient enough to wait. When I knew my two older sons had their fraternity formal coming up, I’d ask about it and then oh-so casually inquire if they were taking anyone. This was how I discovered both of them had girlfriends.
I also used the roundabout approach
to find out how they were getting along with their roommates. When it was time for next year’s housing selection, I’d ask if they planned on living with their current roommate, and if not, who they were considering instead. This gave me some insight into the shifting landscape of their friendships. It can be a way to get them talking about the classes they’re taking as well. Saying something like, “I just paid the Amazon order for your sociology books — they look interesting,” might pave the way for them to open up.
You can employ the roundabout approach as a gentle prompt, too. Meeting with professors is important to having a successful academic career. As
a senior my middle son expressed regret that he didn’t start going to his professors’ office hours until halfway through college. If you want to know if your student has reached out to their professors, you might ask, “So, does your history professor have pictures of her spouse and kids on her desk? How about her dog?” Your student may get the hint, find out when office hours are, and plan to stop in.
The Direct Approach
Sometimes this is the only way to go. Parents worry — it’s alright to just come out and ask what we want to know if we’re concerned (or even merely curious). If our students
get annoyed, so be it. I‘ve asked my sons outright about their health, happiness and homesickness, to name just a few topics. When using the direct approach it’s best to be specific. Instead of “how are you feeling?” try, “It sounds like your allergies are bothering you — are you taking your medicine?” I avoid open-ended questions where the answer could be “fine” because more often than not that’s the answer I’ll get.
Not every student is a born communicator and you may have to learn to live with that. I find that my sons generally share more in person and sometimes I have to wait until I see them to find out what’s really going on.
At the end of the day, at a time in their life when they’re asserting their independence, no matter what you ask or how you ask it, you may be met with some resistance. Keep trying. The important thing is for them to know that you’re always there, ready to listen when they’re ready to talk.
THE STUDENT AND FAMILY TRANSITION
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We understand that broaching some subjects can be tricky. For additional conversation starters and resources visit families.uoregon.edu/ conversation.