My daughter is 16 and went from a normal high school situation with many friends to a collegiate high school where friends became null and void (mostly because the kids are so focused on the books and not the type to go to the mall on weekends). While my daughter's academics have been good, she is a bit lonely. I am torn on if she should enter early college for her 11th grade high school year. She is set for the fall to be on college campus full time (so high school diploma while earning AA) and I'm torn now if that is best for her, or have her go back to a typical high school.
I really do not want her isolated, missing out on teenage milestones, etc. I worry it will be even harder to make friends at the community college since most will be 18 and older and she is only 16 and reserved in nature. She doesn't like sports and clubs are slim at the college. She likes the idea of setting her own college schedule and getting out early with an AA, but we both ponder at what cost? Will she become even more lonely? Will she be robbed of sleepovers and dating, etc?
I'm looking for an honest opinion on the social aspect of 16-year-olds on a college campus. I feel this is important. She will live at home still as the community college doesn't have residential options. To me, her being a kid is very important but I also feel there might be perks of early college, too. (Cost isn't a issue; she would go to college either way even if she waited til after high school.) Please help. Thank you!
How refreshing to hear from a parent who is sticking up for the childhood of their child! So many parents are single-minded in wanting their kids to achieve and win and get there faster. Your daughter is fortunate to have a parent who has the wisdom and courage to stand apart from assuming that high intensity academic pursuit is a given.
I’ve found that when kids are intensely focused on academics they often become somewhat lonely. Their laser focus on academic achievement tends to sideline the equally important experiences of life that bring friends and fun into the mix. They need practice at building and sustaining relationships, but when they’re buried in homework, their interpersonal muscles get a little flabby. The parts you’re noticing may be missing for your daughter are indeed important. But how to help her get the things she’s missing may not come all in one place or through one solution.
You’ve presented the decision about next year as a choice between one of two options: attend college and continue on her current path of getting her high school diploma and AA simultaneously, or opt to stay in high school for another two years. It’s either this road or that road.
But I see many more options if you look at the decision and the problems to solve a little differently.
Try disentangling all of the different “problems” and putting them in terms of what she does want rather than what she doesn’t want. What I hear are these:
“I want to have friends and fun times” (not be lonely)
“I want to be challenged academically” (not be bored in school)
“I want the freedom to set my own schedule” (not be locked into the high school grind)
If you look at each “want” as a separate goal, new possibilities might open up. Can she advocate for more flexibility with her current high school? Are there high schools available to her that have more flexible programs? Or, if she attends college next year, are there ways of strengthening her social and extracurricular experiences to enable her to connect with peers and make friends?
Another possibility is to “dip her toe into college” over the summer. Maybe she can take a single course and be on campus a couple of times a week and see what it feels like to be around older students.
Some students experience community college as “just a bigger high school.” There isn’t necessarily a strong sense of community, which can make it difficult to find a friend group or feel a sense of belonging. On the other hand, it can be a far less pressured environment socially, which might make it easier for her to find her footing. Either way, it’s important to ask her questions that will help her discover what she wants. And your job will be to help her find creative solutions to help her get closer to what she wants.
It’s hard to tell from your question whether she likes the academic focus of her current high school. Since she tends to be more reserved (less confident socially?), she is not basking in one of the most enjoyable parts of high school — being with friends. It’s possible that her wanting to get done with school sooner rather than later may be because she doesn’t like her current high school environment. I’ve worked with lots of kids who “hobbled their horse” by taking on so much academically they lost their love of learning. It might help to get a better sense of what she wants academically.
Keep being open to her learning and discovering more about herself and what she wants as she moves forward. Very few decisions in life are irreversible, so if she knows she can adjust her plans as she discovers what she wants, it might take some of the pressure off.
It sounds like you will support her in this process. She has an inner wisdom that can guide her and you can help her remember that.
Yours,
