My daughter just started her senior year of high school, and we are going through the college exploration process. She is my only child, and imagining life without her at home is terrifying and, quite frankly, gives me a feeling of hopelessness, maybe even uselessness. I have not been handling this well and know my role as a parent in her life will be changing but not going away. What advice do you have for me during this transition to help me embrace this new role and find some peace and joy along the way?
There are few things that feel as huge as the impending departure of your only child. I can relate, having watched my only child go 3,000 miles away for college. That was seven years ago, a span of time that has been magnificent, heartbreaking, and everything in between. The very best thing you're doing right now is asking this question well before you deliver her to school. And then leave her there. Oof.
Let me be clear: you absolutely have a purpose. And by the time you finish reading this, I trust you will embrace it as fully as you did being your daughter's mother. I trust you will immerse yourself so thoroughly in your sense of purpose that you'll discover you've known it was there all along. Your purpose is to continue to be a parent whose focus is on your own life rather than your daughter's.
Rather than think of this as something new, it might be helpful to think of it as reclaiming your pre-mom self and picking up the threads of who you were before your daughter came into your life. Before there was a her, there was a You. And not just the younger woman you were before she was born. I'm talking about the wee little you who drank in everything the world taught you with curiosity and vigor. Yes, even before you were a Kindergarten graduate, not to mention a parent, you were a solo person with a meaningful inner life. Now is the time to return to that wonderful You with the benefit of years of experiences, capacities to love and be loved, and countless other internal resources that living your life has yielded.
It's too hard to go from nadir to peak in one step. So whenever you notice any of the feelings of hopelessness, uselessness, etc., creeping in, be very purposeful about shifting your attention to something that mitigates or distracts you from the bad feeling. You're not aiming for euphoria here. And doing this isn't intended to make the bad go away; it's just intended to get your head and heart into a place that feels at least momentarily better. From there, you might find a new path. For example, listen to music that is nice in your ears. Or look at something that pleases your eyes. It's like breathing fresh air when you've been toiling away at a difficult task. It doesn't advance the completion of the task, but the fresh air can revive and refresh you enough to continue the hard work.
At least three times a day, notice at least three things that you appreciate. (For me at this moment: I paid my bills! My kitchen counters are clean! I love getting to write Dear Adina letters!) Notice things that are beautiful to look at, delicious to smell or taste, or anything that feels good to the senses or your spirit. Be purposeful about noticing things that feel good to you. Again, it doesn't solve the problem, but feeling good, even for a moment, offers a better chance of finding your way through the bad feelings at hand. Plus, the more you notice, the more you'll notice. Soon, all you'll see is what feels good.
When you're feeling somewhere between okay and good, start an ongoing list of fun things to do, see, read, create, etc. When my nest was first empty, I returned to playing with some crafts I had enjoyed when I was younger. There was actually a day of macaroni art, but mostly, I got into quilting and writing. Remember your kindergarten self, when you found fun more easily. What did Kindergarten You do for fun? What did grade-school You do for fun? What did teenage You want to do but didn't have the funds or the independence to do so? It can also help to introduce novelty into your experience purposely. Visit a place you've never been. Eat a food you've never eaten. New things can bring more of that "fresh air" feeling into our experiences.
Every time you think about or do something primarily about and/or for your daughter, step back from it and notice what feels good about it. For example, if you're making a scrapbook of all of her school projects over the years, notice how making the scrapbook itself is fun, not just because it's about her. Consider making everyone you love a scrapbook! Because making scrapbooks is fun. Or when you're touring colleges with your daughter, notice how it's fun for you to see new places, not just because it's a trip with or for your daughter. In other words, use the times that might feel melancholy to pump up the volume on the parts that are available to you as a person, not just a mom.
When you see someone who looks like they're living happily ever after, ask them how they do it. Pro tip: make friends with them.
You have shown your daughter so many things—how to be a daughter and a young woman. You've shown her how to be a mom. In forty or so years, you'll show her how to be an old lady. Now it's time to show her how to be a woman with an adult(ish) child who knows how to live a full and joyful life. Consider what it is you'd like her to see. I doubt it's your nose pressed up against the window, waiting for her to return. You probably want her to see you living large and having a ball. You'll want to show her how she can make this transition when it comes time.
Some day, she will be the exact age you are today and will (consciously or not) refer to the model you are showing her right now during this transition from primarily-mom to primarily-YOU. You are, and always will be, the woman she watches most carefully. Sometimes, she will reject it, and sometimes she'll emulate it. But she is definitely still watching! So your purpose is to mother by example: mother by being a fully developed You! Show her how it is to prioritize your own care and needs as she becomes less and less in need of you.
By the way, I love it when people ask for advice! It frees me to wear my bossy pants (love you, Tina Fey) and be creative and strident. I go full steam ahead with suggestions intended to inspire, enlighten, and be useful. Bonus points if I entertain and delight. But mostly, if I can shift your terror into something more like mild anxiety, it'll be a win. It is even better to begin eagerly anticipating the joy you will experience. And if none of this advice fits you, ask someone else and keep asking until you feel excited about what comes next. You got this.
Yours,
