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Paying for College
Suzanne Shaffer
The transition to college is a significant milestone for both students and their families. At the same time young adults begin to assert their independence and navigate the complexities of adulthood, parents have to adjust to their child being gone for longer than a summer camp session. Family life changes forever.
The role of parents during this period is a delicate balancing act. This article explores the fine line between supportive and overbearing parenting, the impacts of excessive involvement, and positive strategies for parenting your child through college.
All overparenting comes from the best intentions; it’s just not effective at getting your needs or your college student’s needs met. Here are a few of the most common overparenting behaviors I hear about and observe in my practice. Do any of them describe you?
I encourage every parent to regularly check in with their student about grades because grades provide a strong correlation with how a semester is going. But parents who constantly monitor their student’s classes, daily activities and social life through frequent calls, texts and emails may be overstepping. Ask yourself: Am I providing consistent check-ins to maintain accountability, or is my behavior smothering?
It was appropriate to be closely involved in your student’s choice of college; that’s too large and complex a decision for a teen to make on their own. Now, however, as they choose courses, extracurricular activities, and a career path, it’s time for them to develop confidence in their own decision-making skills.
I recommend the “input leading to vote” model. Ideally we start by helping our younger kids practice giving input on important decisions and, over time, include them in the final “votes” (decisions) — ultimately handing over complete voting power as they demonstrate thoughtful, responsible choices. And, yes, this is way easier said than done!
When parents step in to resolve every conflict, students are deprived of the chance to develop problem-solving abilities and resilience. Frequent intervention may inadvertently send the message that your child is incapable of handling challenges. Gravity pulling on the human body provides the environment for muscle growth. Removing gravity leads to muscle atrophy. Solving all your college student’s problems atrophies their grit. Many parents jump in to solve problems because they can’t handle their own anxiety and feel a need to control the situation.
As we shed light on some of the negative impacts of overparenting, we’ll also talk about effective, healthy parenting for college students. Though they’re not always intuitive and require intentional practice, these are real solutions I teach parents every day.
Overparented students struggle with basic tasks and decision-making because they lack experience handling responsibilities on their own. This can lead to difficulties adjusting to adult life post-graduation.
Instead: Promote self-reliance by allowing (maybe even nudging) your student to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes. Hand over tasks large and small (laundry, managing their finances, organizing their calendar, making appointments). And consult, don’t solve. Don’t give advice preemptively, early, or easily — offer guidance when asked, but avoid taking control of their choices. Encourage them to brainstorm solutions and take action on their own. Students need practice taking chances and owning their wins and losses, and space to explore and grow without feeling micromanaged.
Oh how I love to blame social media for the ills of teen and young adult intrapersonal development but I’m an equal opportunity critic. Constant parental intervention can erode a student’s self-confidence, making them feel inadequate and helpless. Identity is a narrative we tell about ourselves. If your student’s story is solely written by you, they never develop the skills of an author and ultimately are forced to rely on you and others to tell them who they are.
Instead: Validate growth. If you don’t take a seedling out of the black plastic container and transplant it in healthy soil, its roots fill the entire space and it withers. Our children need bigger and bigger spaces to explore as they get older. As we push them into those bigger pastures, we show them that we trust their ability to navigate challenges and make informed decisions. Then go ahead and celebrate their growth and achievements! But don’t shy away from observing the things that go wrong either. Life is messy. When you’re invited to share your opinion, remind them it’s just that — your opinion with a sprinkling of good intention. This positive reinforcement can boost their confidence and self-esteem.
Students who feel pressured to meet their parents’ expectations or who lack confidence in their abilities experience heightened anxiety and stress, which can negatively affect academic performance and overall well-being.
Instead: Set clear boundaries…but give them space! Fences make good neighbors. Whether it’s weird or not to think of it this way, you are becoming more of a neighbor in your college kid’s life. Establish clear boundaries for communication and involvement — respect your student’s autonomy. Do agree on how often you’ll check in; regular, scheduled check-ins provide a sense of structure without being intrusive. In addition, parents can role model that process is more important than outcome (grades, etc.).
Underlying all of this is the art of open and honest communication. With our college students, the goal is to listen to their concerns and provide emotional support without dictating their actions or pouncing on them with advice. In the psychology world, we call this “listening with the intent of understanding, not the intent of solving.” This approach builds trust and fosters a healthy parent-child relationship.
By setting clear boundaries, encouraging independent problem-solving, and providing emotional support without overstepping, you can help your child thrive during this transformative period.
Remember, the goal is to empower our students to become confident, capable individuals who can navigate the challenges of adulthood with assurance. The long project of handing responsibility and autonomy over to our children requires equal parts love, boundaries, and room to grow.
Family mental health and student success are interconnected. Parents with stable emotional health are better equipped to offer guidance and encouragement. But life is full of challenges and we adults struggle, too. Here are some examples of the down-stream effects I hear about from college students whose parents are dealing with mental health issues and stress — plus advice for creating the supportive environments that promote resilience and well-being.
Insecurity and anxiety: Many of us parents have some trailing insecurity from one or more roles or chapters in our lives. If we’re not careful, this can lead to over-attachment to our college student or inordinate fear of losing them. Anxiety is an even more pronounced, irrational fear of bad things happening to our college kids. This often leads to boundary violations such as excessive visits, calls, or texts throughout a day.
Parents’ excessive use of substances can lead to inconsistent emotional and sometimes financial support. It can also cause fear of embarrassment during parental visits. I’ve had a number of clients over the years talk with me about how to ask their parents not to visit.
Financial stress: Mental health challenges can impact a parent’s ability to work and provide financial support for their child’s education. While it’s important to talk to our students about appropriate personal finance habits and expect them to contribute to college expenses, financially stressed parents may focus overly much on the cost of the semester, transferring their stress and pressure.
Communication challenges: Parents dealing with mental health issues may struggle with effective communication, leading to misunderstandings, conflicts, and strained relationships. Students who don’t feel safe or comfortable reaching out to their parents won’t seek their guidance when they may need it most.
Worrying about a parent: A student who’s worried about a parent’s mental health may find it difficult to concentrate on their studies, form and maintain healthy social connections, and fully engage in campus life. They might not pursue study abroad or internship opportunities because they don’t want to be too far away from home if something bad happens.
Parents serve as role models for their children, including how they handle stress and cope with life’s challenges. Parents who manage their own mental health effectively can demonstrate positive coping mechanisms, resilience, and self-care practices.
Seek help and support: Stigma can influence whether students feel comfortable seeking help for their own mental health concerns. If parents are open about their struggles and actively seek help, students may feel empowered to do the same. Finding a therapist to talk with isn’t solely an intervention for severe mental health conditions. No one gives us an instruction manual for parenting and the transitions our kids drag us through. Find someone to talk with who doesn’t have a stake in the game — it’s one of the best investments you can make.
Create a supportive environment at home and at college: This includes open communication, seeking professional help for yourself when needed, and fostering a family culture of understanding and empathy. You’ll be in the right place to encourage your student to access campus mental health resources, counseling services, and support groups when they need to.
