Now that the kids have left the nest, I’m struggling to find a groove of couplehood after spending 25 years in the parent-first role. Any advice on how to rediscover Me as an individual and also Us as a couple?
You are asking the absolute best question you could possibly ask! It means that you see that there is a You to re-discover, and that it is, and should be, a high priority. Although you mention rediscovering the Us of your coupledom, I firmly believe there can be no Us if there is no You, so let’s start there.
Gone are the days when your meal goes cold while you are making sure your child eats theirs. Gone are the days when you don’t fully fall asleep until all youths are present and accounted for. Gone are the days when so much of your brain was filled with what your children were doing or not doing or needing or feeling that days could go by before you realized you hadn’t given your own needs a single thought.
Shifting back to a state of attending to yourself takes practice. Here are some ideas that may help. Remember, these practices are experiences to work with and find your rhythm with. They’re not tasks which you need to complete, and they’re not in any particular order.
You will find enormous gifts and answers as you take the time every day to quiet your mind and sit in stillness. Do this early in the day before the momentum and noise of the world going on around you can take hold.
There are an infinite number of guided meditation resources that focus on anything from breathing to body awareness. Some people find it helpful to focus on a benign and consistent sound (the hiss of the heater, the buzz in your own head, the distant sound of traffic, etc.) that can draw your attention away from the plentiful thoughts that populate your mind. Or pick a specific part of your body and focus on it, really tuning in to letting it relax and be still.
Quieting your mind will allow you to tune in to the inner You where insights, desires, and possibly long-sidelined interests lurk. Sometimes it might feel like meditation allows you to notice and admit secrets you now realize you’ve been keeping from yourself.
Most of us stopped playing and having fun at about aged five when we went to school and started to hear all about the serious and sensible life we were going to lead, and how we were going to need to find our way through adulthood by anticipating problems, solving them, and then hopefully having some nice times despite everything being so hard.
But I’m here to tell you that life is supposed to be joyful and interesting and feel exactly as it does when you’re a child playing — content, eager, expansive, FUN.
So I suggest you have play time. Maybe play actual games like Scrabble or charades with friends. Listen to comedy. Walk around the house singing the songs of your youth at the top of your lungs. You can also try macaroni art or finger painting because, really, those were a blast as I recall. Mostly, let yourself drift towards things that are silly and fun and have no purpose other than to make you smile.
Now that all of your emotional and intellectual resources aren’t devoted to the day-to-day parenting of your children, you may feel like you’re in a big room from which all of the furniture has been removed. Kinda echoes in there.
That newly open space is all yours, so stretch out. Be an adventurous explorer and look for things you see every day but haven’t really seen in a while. Are you drinking the same coffee that you’ve been drinking forever? Try a new roast. Are you listening to the same music you always have? Try a new station. Are you aiming to have an okay day? Aim to have a fantastic day.
Your body and mind need to be stretched, so give them some time to do that.
Much of parenting has involved sacrifice, putting yourself second, taking whatever’s left over after the rest of your family has gotten what they need. You may find yourself blue or lost, lonely or irritable. In these emotional states, you want to feel better, and sometimes you easily find that calling a friend, or distracting yourself improves your feelings. Sometimes you find nothing works.
In those moments, try reaching for an improvement rather than a solution. You may not be able to resolve whatever conflict you’re experiencing, so instead of trying to Solve The Big Problem, try doing something that just feels slightly better than where you’re at. Even feeling slightly better opens up your creative mind and new ideas will start to come more easily, which then in turn will make you feel even more expansive and creative.
The clarity you need to resolve your conflict or move through a significant obstacle is only possible when you feel good enough to allow the good ideas to flow.
You have achieved a station in life where you get to not care about what anyone else thinks about you or thinks they know what’s right for you. So walk through your life by living it and not justifying it. You may miss the structure and direction that parenting younger kids offered, and you may feel unmoored by the revision of your identity. Keep looking around and remember what you’ve built in the life you have. You made it happen, and you will continue to make it happen in new and delicious ways.
And finally, realize that although your parent-first days are over, your children are still looking to you — not for protection or limits or guidance or advice — they are looking to you for how to be adults. Now that they are on the edges of their own adulthood, you get to show them how to fully take charge of themselves, find joy in their independence, and bring meditation, playing, stretching, reaching and radiating into their vocabularies.
Once you have a You who can feel good all on your own, you can consider inviting your partner to a brainstorming session about Us. Talk together about what you want for your togetherness right now. Think of this empty nest as a room you’ve discovered you have in your home that you never knew was there. You get to play in it, decorate it, and discover all kinds of fun in it together.
Yours,
